Why Grief Was A Part of My Gender: Reflecting on Transition.

Guest writer Zee Monteiro explores how grief has informed their transition as a non-binary person.

I used to think that to love my body I had to change it quickly without looking back, but I quickly realized a few months into starting testosterone, that I had to deal with the intense level of anger and grief that was located in my body. I was so focused on the external side of my body and thought the faster I could escape the shape I was given, the sooner I could arrive at peace.

I was still unclear about how my body would look and apprehensive about whether I wanted top surgery or radical breast reduction. I had a connection to womanhood that I wasn’t ready to let go of, or so I thought I had to at that time. I was annoyed at my own grief, and did not understand the anger it held. I was surprised by the way it would show up in every corner of my body. I realized that my grief was not just about gender, it was layered: grief for the years I spent trying to make peace with a body I did not feel at home in; grief for the younger version of myself who did not have the words for this; grief for failing to be a ‘daughter’; and grief for how my masculinity has always been overlooked or dismissed my my family.

I also felt grief around what I was leaving behind, my shape, my softness, the comfort others found in the version of me that I was no longer willing to maintain. Even if those things weren’t fully mine, they were still parts of how I survived, how I was loved and how I was recognized. The anger also surprised me, it was during times quite explosive but most of the time, it wasn't. It was often quiet and slow burning, it showed up in muscle tension, extreme exhaustion and irritability. I didn’t know what to do with this at first but the gym and therapy helped a lot. I thought transition would make things better, cleaner. Instead it brought everything to the surface.

But even in all of that, something in me did began to soften. I started to feel more at home in my body than I ever did, more settled and although this wasn't happening all the time, it was enough to notice it. Enough to trust that if I kept going, something would open up and I would be able to lean into it and eventually it did. I grieved immensely during the first four years, but also felt more aligned and realized that grief wasn’t a barrier to my transition, it was the transition.

It made space to choose what my transition would look like for myself. Colonial thinking made me believe that bodies must be definite, that healing must be linear, that gender must resolve. Although I still scoured the internet for black bodies that looked the way I wanted mine to, it was also clearer about what it did not have to look like. My trans body did not have a beard or an extremely low voice, it did not walk more ‘masculine’ or wear a packer, it did not need a new name and it was allowed to connect to all the parts of the Black womanhood that I was raised with and connected to.

I did not know it then, but by grieving openly, slowly, I was making space for something bigger than myself. I was remembering the body as an archive, a testimony.

I am honoring the mess and the grief. I honor that my transition took the length that it took, that I chose to first start testosterone before having top surgery. I honor that I allowed myself to feel completely broken, confused and angry, that I trusted the grief enough to make space for it. I am honoring that I did not rush the process. That I let the mess teach me and allowed my spirit to come home in its own time.

Zee Monteiro

Zee (they/them) is a highly skilled writer, host, facilitator, and consultant with a focus on advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, anti-racism, intersectionality, and neurodiversity. They have extensive experience in facilitating, speaking, and hosting for prominent companies such as Dr. Martens, Burberry, Verizon, Consortium, Culture Shift, and others. Zee's work has been featured in notable organizations such as Stonewall UK, WCS, POCC, WMN Zine, and BINADW.

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